Found It

I know what I want now.

I want to go to art school. The thought of it had always frustrated me because of all the people I've met and seen that go or have gone to art school. They all think they understand how the world works. All of them do rip-off versions of other people's rip-offed versions of other people's ideas. They are all fucking blind (and not in a good way either!). They are all insecure and unstable with themselves but they still think they know everything. I don't want to be seen as one of those people! The chances of anyone in S.F. thinking the same thing when they see an art school kid is probably just a handful, but I can't help but think that everyone thinks that, even the people that go to art school.

What has held me back from going to an art school like I've wanted to when I had found out it exists, is the people, the cost and if I could get a job later after spending so much money and time it it. Now it doesn't fucking matter to me.

I've been drawing since I picked up the pencil. I've been writing since I got locked up in the mental hospital. I've been sculpting since I carved that creature out of wood in my Facilities Maintenance class at Jobcorp. I've been painting since I got my own watercolor set. There is not a day I don't write or draw something. I've been doing this my entire life and this is all I want to do.

I want to live in Pacifica. I'll drive to S.F. to work as a stripper so it'll pay for the ridiculously priced schooling. It's perfect, except for the stripping part. I'll be able to be by the ocean all the time and enjoy the fog that manifests itself daily. It'll be a quiet place, no overgrown teenagers screaming at each other, no children crying, no one to cringe at except at grocery stores.

The thought of this puts me at peace. I've never been happy about putting things together, I didn't think I could handle it. Ever since I was a kid I wasn't happy about getting my own place or winning a million dollars, I wouldn't be happy about it even if I wanted it. I'm used to things not going the way I want it to, I'm used to things going bad, so that's what I looked forward to... For everything to fall apart, even me.

Ocean, coffee, gaming, dreaming, astral projecting, learning, art school, shooting guns, publish books, paint and draw my astral travels and dreams, sculpt figures, parkour and circus training, publish my Serial Killer Romance novels and comic, mushrooms, and photography.

It sounds really good to me right now.