2010 April 16 Friday
Hypnophobia: Fear of sleep.
Sleep time: 5:12 PM - 5:20AM
I am alseep (I think), my eyes are still closed and I hear my mother's car turn on and then ease out, leaving for work. I open my eyes and look at my door, it's closed. It was open when I went to bed. My mother must have closed it.
Then it's quiet.
Suddenly I am walking downstairs in the dark, colors from entities of all types flicker in quick and slow movements. The TV is on in the living room, something loud was playing, I tried to see what was playing, but the screen was darken to a very dark grey color movements of whatever was playing creep through a lighter color, why was it so dark? (I guess this explains that the TV still receives signals even when it's off...) I looked toward the dining room, it was a little lighter, the light was on in there (we don't have a light that we use often in the living room), I can see the bulb having dimmed lights (that's not how it normally looks), the rest of the space away from the light was dark. I guess that proves to me why I feel better in light than dark. There are just so many damn things lurking around in the dark and around the light, there are less, under the light, there are barely any.
I turned to walk back upstairs, going through the dark living room and back upstairs. At the stairs I came to realize why it was so dark and loud, I'm projecting. SHIT.
I quickly try to sense my body, it's essence, the way it feels to be breathing, to have organs and skin. Suddenly I am back on my bed. I open my eyes and I feel heavy, it was hard to roll over, like being very tired after walking up mountains with no rest for a few days and you just had a few minutes of sleep but you have to get up, everything is numb and heavy, yeah, it felt like that. I rolled over to get up from my bed and I look at my hands, they are see through. SHIT. I force myself back to my physical body and tried to roll over again, I'm still projecting, and this rolling over adventure happened too many times to keep count. Every time, I became more vivid, less transparent.
I open my eyes and I see the ceiling, finally, I am back, I roll over to get off my bed and stand. My sister is in the bathroom, I walk over, the light in there is clear and light as it has always been, yes, I am back. My sister walked passed me without a word to get something from her room, she walked back into the bathroom to do her hygiene, typical. I grabbed my towel and rubbed it against my face. I could feel the little knobs of thread in the towel like I always can, I looked in the mirror, I can see myself, nothing is different. But I am projecting. I got frustrated. My sister was putting toothpaste on her toothbrush.
And I screamed, "CAN YOU SEE ME?!! CAN YOU SEE ME??!"
My sister looked at me and said, "Yes." Rolled her eyes.
I stopped screaming immediately, I looked into the mirror again, there's nothing different, my iris is gone, or maybe my pupil took over my iris completely. My cheeks are flushed hot pink, yeah, it happens when I feel certain emotions enough.
I looked at my sister, she said something, I forgot what, I open my eyes and I see the ceiling. I sit up, it was easy.
It's 5:10 AM. I have been "sleeping" for twelve hours again. The dragon that watches over me at my beside has been knocked down to the floor.
I look at my door, it's open. Wasn't it just closed? Who opened it?!
I walked out of my room, I walked into the bathroom, my sister wasn't in there, she was alseep in her room. I looked into the mirror. It was scary. I was just here, the exact same height, same colors, I was just here. The space where I stood in my astral form left some sort of ghostly residue that made me feel uneasy. I look in the mirror, the only difference is there is no blood in my face, I'm pale from fright. The projection was too damn vivid, I had even felt the feeling that I feel now, as I stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom. It was exactly the same. Am I really here? Am I really in my physical body now? I really hope so.
I walked out of the bathroom and downstairs. The stairs of where I had stopped and realized I was projecting also had that ghostly residue. The light in the living room was off, the tv was off, the light in the dinning room was on.
I made myself a very large cup of coffee. Bitter.
My sister came out of her room, later sometime passed six. I asked her if she dreamed of anything at 5AM. She told me she was awake at the time, and then she went back to sleep. She said she heard someone yelling her name. My sister is a spell caster. She does it all the time, and I hate it sometimes beccause she abuses it. She also has created another one of herself, she calls it her alter ego, and it's jaded, mentally. I've encountered it many times, I thought it was just my sister, now I know it IS, part of her, but not exactly. So I think, her alter ego may have said a spell that got me to be back in my body. Because I don't remember what she said and, immediately in the middle of her casting, I was back in my body.
Before, when I was still learning and trying to astral project and always tried every evening of everyday for over half a year, and I wasn't able to project. Instead, I made mistakes of channeling and remote viewings, but never astral projection.
Now that I don't ever want to anymore, I do. Every night I fear nightmares, false awakenings and astral projection, and everynight I have them.
I wish the human body has a choice of sleeping and not sleeping as it wishes. But the human body must sleep or it will be overworked and die, like a computter that's been on for too long. But the memory of the computter is still there, it can always be taken out and put in another computter... Ah, sysbolism.
Everytime I have a nightmare, it becomes lucid, and I force myself to wake up, and when I wake up, it's false. So I try again, it's false, and again, it's false, and a few more times, and when I am finally awake, I am relieved, and then I go back to sleep after a minute or two of changing my mentally so I won't go back to it. I lay down, close my eyes, and I find myself out of my body, immediately I try to get back.
This has been happening for over three months, every time I decided to finally go to sleep, I can be up for days avoiding sleep, avoiding my fear of the other realms. I know I had never stopped to explore, and I probably should, but I don't because I don't want to get involved with it anymore, I remember the person who I made a dealing with, and he gave me many warnings, so many it started to get annoying, "Are you sure you want to do this? There's no going back.", I told him I was ready, I believed I would not regret it, I had no fears, I didn't and I do not fear death, and dying would be some interesting experience, I think of it every hour, what would it be like to be shot? Would I fall back in shock but not feel it? If I did feel it, would I remember be able to remember the things I loved and hate, would it even occur to me? What would I be thinking about as I experience my life draining away? What would it be like to have my throat ripped out and have my own blood come to my mouth and the toxic air go into my lungs and organs as they wished? How painful will that feel? Would I in some way enjoy it? Every time I think of dying, it's always very painful, I always feel it physically, but vaguely. In my thoughts of death, when I would reach very close to death, pain overwhelms me and I suddenly feel peaceful, happy in a way, then all of my thoughts and memories I ever had comes and flashes before me, over a million times, playing again and again like a movie that you can never stop watching, is this the way the universe communicates? Telling you there is something you have to do by repeating memories and making objects, sentences, feelings, or people stand out? And when I understand, the memories stop and everything is quiet, I am alone, utter silence, left with only my thoughts and waiting, suddenly I have life and my memories slowly become forgotten, slipping away as the moments pass. I start again, another chess piece on the board playing the game of the universe. He was right, we are just all playing a game, forever. I hope we're wrong.
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