Arrogance -Missing Entry-

A rude awaking at exactly 7:00AM. My scalp bled because I scratched at it so much in my sleep. I picked up Kaut, turned on the hot water in the shower and walked downstairs to grab a bottle of apple cider vinegar. We went back upstairs and into the shower. I left the door wide open as usual, and left Kaut at the countertop. My shower was hot, and I thought about Blood: The Last Vampire throughout my entire shower. I was not as uncomfortable and paranoid as I usually am when I'm in the shower, so I got out feeling pretty good. As I was drying my hair, I heard a soft muffled grunt. You usually wouldn't notice this unless you've been around people who have enough nightmares to make it almost like reflex know the sound and wake them up. I went over to my sister's room and she lied unmoving on her bed made of blankets. I stood there observing for some time, she didn't struggle, she wasn't in the position f struggling so I went back and finished blow-drying my hair. Kaut and I went downstairs, I made some coffee, and I was feeling very good. I haven't felt awake without fatigue for so long I forgot what it had felt like. I was frying some eggs with raw jalapenos and I was thinking to myself, today feels good. Then,

"Have you ever seen a guy with silver hair in your dream?" My sister asked me rubbing the sleep from her eyes. I turned around and stared at her in unbelievable shock. "He was in my dream, but I couldn't see his face." She continued. I think I stopped breathing. I just stared and blinked at her while she continued to tell me her dream. "We were walking and he was holding my hand, and Israel (this guy she likes) was standing with some people and he was holding a note, I think it said to hold my hand. Then I was walking with him holding his hand and he looked pretty happy about it."

I explained a little to her about the demon and told her stop thinking about him, but she didn't listen, she just kept talking about him and asking me questions. I got so angry I wanted to scream. But I swallowed it and took on a mute mode. Arrogant, brainwashed and confused with the facts of what a demon really is and what anime made it to be. Demons won't be your friends no matter how much it seems like it or no matter how good you think you are and it's doesn't make you cool to have them attached to you. Demons are not people, they don't think like us, they don't care about you even if you're completely convinced that they do. Arrogant! Yet she sits there talking about him with a dreamy smile like he's the best thing ever and she's so fucking cool to have a demon that was haunting me "transfer" over to her. Fucking irriating. Fucking annoying. Fuckin arrogant!

It has been two hours since she had told me about her dream and I am still raging. My morning ruined. I am tired again. I am having trouble concentrating on my studies, I didn't realize how much my mood affected my health until this moment.

And Albert woke up with his ears bleeding.

A Violent, Intense Struggle -Missing Entry-

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in a moving car going sixty on the freeway. It was rainning. And I was very motivated thanks to the full moon. Through all my notes, I've found that water, the full and wanning moon has a very nifty impact on me. Rain and full moon combined was driving me crazy. A little annoyance, like bad grammar, would led me to rage, BUT can quickly shift to happiness and gratefullness. Being a libra and sensitive to other forces, this was shifting way too quickly, and the feelings were way too intense. Besides snapping at people a few times, I've manage pretty well.

I meditated in that moving car. I haven't meditated in months. I figured if I stay away from anything and everything that links me to magic, I'll forget and those creatures will leave me alone. I knew it wasn't possible, I could put a cork in it, but that'll only hold for so long, until somethings triggers and makes it pop. A person, a smell, a sound, a movie, a quote, religion, etc., it's unavoidable. Adding to this, Kikaider, also Missing is back.

Yesterday, I opened myself back into that world with open arms, even to the golems, even projection.

I pulled energy into my third eye, a few pulls and I saw one big eye ball that was outlined in aura colors (every color flashing every color at once) mainly purple. A few pulls later that eyeball moved back and showed me the other eye, it was very large on the creature it was. The creature was shirvied, like an immortal human that hasn't had any food or water in centuries. I gasped. Wonder what that thing is. Was it Missing? Could be. Then I doubt it. So it's not. It's just some curious wandering thing. I can't believe I mistook it as Missing.

I went to church. There was a mass going on because of Thanksgiving, I sat in the back, where the wall is, because there isn't any room anywhere else. The concentration was mainly up front, I guess, the ones that arrived early for church. The focus was barely there in the back area, they must have thinking about dinner or something of that manner. Everyone stood up to "hold hands" and I took that moment to walk over to the holy water fountain, and before I reached it, the middle section that led down toward the preist, was pulling me. The buzz was very strong, I've never felt something so thick and concentrated. I wanted to run and jump up and down in the middle section that set the two bleachers apart. But I really did not want to spasm in the middle of the church screaming something, mainly because I saw some familiar faces. I wouldn't mind doing it if everyone understood demons and possesion. I'm sure more than half the church would wave that thought away, saying movies and stories. I accidentally dunked my entire hand into the holy water, a few people saw me, I threw the water around my neck and walked out. I didn't mind them thinking whatever they were thinking. *crosses arms like a little kid* I'm not religious so I don't have to follow their rules.

Anyway, the water didn't burn me with liquid needles this time... But the gift shop did. I was scanning the crosses and statues with my left hand, I bumped into a few concentrated ones and it slowly pierced long needles into my arm, from the palm of my hand and up my arm, slowly until I couldn't move my left hand anymore, it was numb. I continued, with my right hand. I traced the coins, and took two (One Day At A Time and Lady of Loreto) not from what it says but from how much concentration it had and took a The Fivefold Scapular made of wool. The Scapular gave me a head rush that lasted hour an hour after I stuck it against my head for a few seconds. I haven't even opened the plastic bag it was in.

I meditated myself to sleep. Pushing aura out and burning those strange black pieces of all sizes that was in my aura with a bright white light. I've never fully manage to see that white light that made me want to squit to see it, but I was able to tonight. My aura... Was freakin dirty. I felt like I spent a few days doing that.

I awoke an hour or two later, freakin dehydrated like a fish. I drank about 16 ounces in one go..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Hah... This must be why I was dehydrated every waking hour no matter how much water I drank, at jobcorp. HAH!

Effects of Magic

This is happened through Albert.

Two days later.

An Infection of Madness

Since I've gotten up from laying down in bed wide awake all morning, I've been trying to make myself useful by creating useless projects, solving mathematical problems, trying to keep myself from becoming dull and lifeless, pretending that there's really a reason behind doing what I'm doing. It's all great, me here, sitting and poking at things. I'm losing my grip. I am seriously having trouble holding on to this plane. The gun range was nice, meeting new and interesting people was nice, missing those I'm spirirtually connected to is nice and painful.

Perhaps because my demon has slipped past the bars I put him in and is now haunting my every hour is taken it's toll on me, again. Sometimes I want to give into him. Sometimes I do give into him. Sometimes I really fucking hate him. He wants me to go through with our contract. I've seen the mistakes in it after I slowly and painfully signed part of his name onto my flesh. He will never leave me, because the part of the contract I've signed binds him to me as long as I remain in this body. What he gets if I fully sign myself over, is everything, everything that is me, my physical body, my "soul", he will have everything. A reckless move I've made, that's why I've never told anyone what the contract was about. It's embarassing. It's unthoughtful. Implusive.

What do I get from this? Ecstasy everytime I bleed for him. Ecstasy everytime I scream in pain. Ecstasy everytime I fall into a pool of black emotions. Ecstasy whenever I feel pain. What I didn't catch when I was experiencing this was, I only had a taste of this ecstasy, never more than a taste. He will never fully give me the full package. Never. Because that is not in the contract and he gets off on torturing me. He loves it when I beg him for more. He never gives me more, only false hopes, then he parts to someplace and leaves me straving and alone.

If the contract is complete, if I fully sign myself over to him, I will part from this body (yes, there is a very big chance I will dramatically collapse onto the floor and die), and he will take me with him, absorb me into him, and I will experience a heaven of blood, gore, laughter, power, forever living in ecstacy -until someone takes him out-. What I found was erotic and heavenly then (blood and gore) is now some horrible phobia I have. I hate that stuff. If he takes me, my soul undergo that unthinkable nightmare until I loose myself... Then who knows what he'll do with all that power?

It's been seven years since our encounter, I met him when I was eleven. I signed the contract when I was thirteen... Hah... Irony... I shut him out in October 13, 2006, the same day I was going to go through with the contract. And November 01, 2011 was when he got back. All just because I had a little want.

I was able to shut him out because I had something to hold onto. Something to that made me want to give it another last chance. I did. I was too sure. Too hopeful. And I got more mental problems than I could handle from this hope.

He's back now because I don't have much to hold onto anymore. I just wanted to touch this evil, just a little bit. I just wanted just a little bit of a rush... Just a little.

Missing -Dream Entry-

Monday November 15, 2010
8:00 AM - 1:30PM

There is a closet in my mother's bedroom. She hates it when I go into her room. But I went in there anyway, to get into her closet. Why? I can't remember. Maybe I didn't have a reason.

The bedroom was strangely square. But I was more focused on what was in the closet than how her bedroom. The closet looked like a larger verison of the one my father has in his bedroom. It was dark, (I always hated my father's closet, but I liked that rush of fear, and I always wanted to test how much I can take) I went in there.

On the floor there is an opening, and a ladder that leads downwards. I don't know how far down it goes, it's just deep enough that if you dropped a rock, you won't hear it drop for... Gee, I don't know, I never tested it. It's just deep, okay?

Climbing off the ladder on first floor (first floor down anyway), it was dark, but I could still see, objects were illuminated in a blue-grey shade. I went off to the other ladder, oh yeah, my sister is with me. We climbed down a few more levels and ...

I can't remember...

I think there was a face I didn't want to see again. But I did. I craved it.

I hurried my sister up the later. We got out of the closet and out of the room.

........... I can't remember this part either.....

My mother went into the closet and I went in to go find her because she was taking too long.

I was a few levels down. Looking around, listening to sounds that might tell me where my mother is. She is really far down, because I don't hear any sounds. A brush of hair, cold and silky. I remember that feeling. I remember that smell. I turned around and I wanted to scream. I stood looking at him. That plastic grin he wears is there. Never changing. I wanted to touch him.. I backed up... I backed all the way up. As I climbed the ladders, he rose, floating, like the demon he is, behind me. He didn't touch me, which is suprising. But that intoxicating smell of his was brainwashing me. I could not turn around and give in to him. I was fighting the urge so hard I didn't even notice he moved to another side. I stopped at the first floor and turned around. He stood on the fifth floor (maybe lower) and he looked up at me. Someone else was standing on his right, I can't see who it is, but whoever it is, he's taller than "him".

He rose, lifting quickly off the floor. His robe is suddenly off. He wore nothing but his black pants and black boots. Usually, I don't give a damn about how bodies look, but seeing him within arm's reach like that, seeing those familiar shapes, was killing me. I was haivng trouble breathing and thinking because I wanted to reach out and touch him so badly. Everything was so clear, my dreams are more vivid than when I am awake, but he was even more vivid. It was suffocating looking at him in general, but looking at him this close was killing me, it was like fighting with someone in the deep end of the pool. I wanted to at least get a few inches closer. I should not. I didn't. I turned around and climbed up the ladder and woke up.

When I woke up, I stilled smelled him, it was thick in my blankets and on me. Or maybe it was on me and it got onto my blankets.

I did not sleep with my guardians, that may have given him the ability to get into my dreams.