An Infection of Madness

Since I've gotten up from laying down in bed wide awake all morning, I've been trying to make myself useful by creating useless projects, solving mathematical problems, trying to keep myself from becoming dull and lifeless, pretending that there's really a reason behind doing what I'm doing. It's all great, me here, sitting and poking at things. I'm losing my grip. I am seriously having trouble holding on to this plane. The gun range was nice, meeting new and interesting people was nice, missing those I'm spirirtually connected to is nice and painful.

Perhaps because my demon has slipped past the bars I put him in and is now haunting my every hour is taken it's toll on me, again. Sometimes I want to give into him. Sometimes I do give into him. Sometimes I really fucking hate him. He wants me to go through with our contract. I've seen the mistakes in it after I slowly and painfully signed part of his name onto my flesh. He will never leave me, because the part of the contract I've signed binds him to me as long as I remain in this body. What he gets if I fully sign myself over, is everything, everything that is me, my physical body, my "soul", he will have everything. A reckless move I've made, that's why I've never told anyone what the contract was about. It's embarassing. It's unthoughtful. Implusive.

What do I get from this? Ecstasy everytime I bleed for him. Ecstasy everytime I scream in pain. Ecstasy everytime I fall into a pool of black emotions. Ecstasy whenever I feel pain. What I didn't catch when I was experiencing this was, I only had a taste of this ecstasy, never more than a taste. He will never fully give me the full package. Never. Because that is not in the contract and he gets off on torturing me. He loves it when I beg him for more. He never gives me more, only false hopes, then he parts to someplace and leaves me straving and alone.

If the contract is complete, if I fully sign myself over to him, I will part from this body (yes, there is a very big chance I will dramatically collapse onto the floor and die), and he will take me with him, absorb me into him, and I will experience a heaven of blood, gore, laughter, power, forever living in ecstacy -until someone takes him out-. What I found was erotic and heavenly then (blood and gore) is now some horrible phobia I have. I hate that stuff. If he takes me, my soul undergo that unthinkable nightmare until I loose myself... Then who knows what he'll do with all that power?

It's been seven years since our encounter, I met him when I was eleven. I signed the contract when I was thirteen... Hah... Irony... I shut him out in October 13, 2006, the same day I was going to go through with the contract. And November 01, 2011 was when he got back. All just because I had a little want.

I was able to shut him out because I had something to hold onto. Something to that made me want to give it another last chance. I did. I was too sure. Too hopeful. And I got more mental problems than I could handle from this hope.

He's back now because I don't have much to hold onto anymore. I just wanted to touch this evil, just a little bit. I just wanted just a little bit of a rush... Just a little.