A Lure

I wrapped up the food I've just heated up for myself because my mother was in the kitchen doing things extremely violently to show how angry she was to see me existing before her. She walked by me in with fierce ignorance and I felt so inhumane by this I couldn't eat.

I shoved it in the fridge along with many other wrapped up food for the same reason. My mother muttered something about me doing this and then walked off to go sit in her chair and continue watching soap operas.

I walked out of the kitchen and said something rude. I forgot what it was but it pissed her off and I asked her if she was going to hit me. I continued to be rude until she got up and I was walking closer to her screaming at her to hit me.

Then I ran to her with the intention of hitting her myself, I think I was screaming something. She ran off. I reached the spot she had been at and got on my fours like some monster. I was breathing harshly and laughing. I spotted my mother and ran after her around the living room, lunging and reaching violently everytime she had slowed down.

I was very low on the ground, looking at my mother viciously, my sister saw this and she really thought that I had lost my mind and maybe I did, but I thought I was just acting, my sister screamed in horror and ran away from me. This scared me because I thought she would never get near me again. I dashed toward my mother.

She ran down the hallway where it got dark with black fuzz. The black fuzz from the lower astral realm. It got even darker in the bathroom, actually I could hardly see. She ran into the masterbedroom and there was the evil pit, the trap that has been waiting for me. There was nothing but darkness and no way out. The infinate colors of outlines of other beings were everywhere and were so intense, they were all vibrating and shaking wildly.

I was tossed onto the bed somehow, on my back and screaming. My mind fried up and I was suddenly a little kid screaming for her mommy.


I awoke to my dad standing with his face inches away from me in the dark. I found this to be extremely frightening and annoying.


The masterbedroom had been the place where I saw the thin man.

For two days in a row, yesterday and the day before that, I had to reach over into the room to grab the doorknob and close the room shut because my dad left it open and that room scares the crap out of me and I don't know why.

Today something took the form of my mother, but this all took place in this house and I know it was a projection because of the way it was set up and the puppet master didn't know that my mother sat on the couch at home and watched TV all day, the puppet master made my mother take my dad's role, which is sitting in front of the computter in the computter chair watching soap operas. Also I can never mistake that black fuzz for anything else, I've seen it a million times or more.

Anyway, the boogeyman almost had me and I know I have to get out of this place before he takes me away like he's rumored to have taken many other children. This is why it creeps me out and I'm sure it's him. He turned me into a kid in that masterbedroom. He did that because I got away when I was a kid.

I'm going to go home today as soon as possible. This is extremely bad, it had lured me into the masterbedroom, if I decide to stay, then that's not a good sign. I need to get out.

Possession

3:00AM
I heard it... I heard the music that all the great composers heard in their minds and dreams. It was amazing and I never wanted it to stop and there was no end to it. It began without a beginning, it was like the beginning was invisible. I could focus in on any part and that layer of the music would come clearly into focus. There were so many layers, not overwhelming, but there was enough that... Well, that's why orchestras can be so vast. I was just in my room, just enjoying myself, being peaceful because I didn't realize I had projected because I usually always end up in some demented place when I project. I didn't realize I was projecting until I heard the music. I wasn't sitting, I wasn't standing either, I was laying down, just right above my body, hovering. Which is highly usually for me, I'm usually formless and hovering ungracefully somewhere or I am in my human form (typically with clothes on).

Astral projection... Something was at my feet, hovering. When I took notice and gave it more attention by trying to see what it looked like and it's size and shape, it gained weight very quickly and pushed down at my feet, making me immobile. I knew it was a man, I saw faint shapes and shadows that made up a head and shoulders, but that's it, the rest is dark shadows and invisible. I tried to wake myself up, it quickly took over my legs and stomach and pushed my chest down. I came out... But... I was already projecting...

I carried a my black messenger bag. (it was a fusion of my swiss army medical bag -for look- and my camera bag -for space-). I snuck through a building through a horribly small window that was only big enough for my head and shoulders to squeeze through. Somehow I managed (I've been going through tons of windows this year). From entering that window, there was two feet gap to another window that was similar to the one I just opened. Below was the floor, there was some really expensive rug down there. I was very high up, about five business building levels up. I got what I needed from inside the building and went back to the window. My bag was too filled so I had to create enough room to squeeze it through the window. I took out a book and placed it at the little space it had behind the window which had a little space (about two and a half inches to put the spine in place without it flipping and falling to the floor below). I was going to take out more stuff but realized that I didn't need to, I closed up the bag and was going to go through, but someone was coming. I causally walked to the restroom because it was the closet room to me that people wouldn't be suspicious that I had entered. The restroom had three windows (two feet wide, one feet in height). One across from the other and another on the same wall as the door but opposite side. I took the chance to use the toliet. While I was using it a white rat that looks like Ritzu, but a smarter, more graceful rat with survival skills (or tricks) came through the window before the toilet. This window was covered with some piece of white painted wood and thick and thin wires came through it so there is no opening for the window except if you can squeeze through a two inch tight space. I watched it. It was coming my way and I slowly got off the toilet and moved out of the way. I moved slowly because I didn't want to scare it because I was curious to see what it was doing and where it was going to go. It squeaked and made a leap. It jumped on some thick wires that hung midway between the floor and ceiling. It made it's way to the other window and knocked over the fan that was at the window. Michael Myers stood at a truck, his back facing me. Yes, he's erotic as hell, but if he'll kill me. I turned and quickly opened the third window opposite of the door and pushed myself out. I knew that when he turns around, he is going to notice the open window and he'll be after me. He'll figure out where I am, I know it. I don't have time to cover up right now, I need more distance. I came to a house, a little black girl was walking toward the open front door, I took over the girl's body. I didn't fly in, I don't know how to explain how I did it, but it made perfect sense [it still does to me now]. I made her ask her father who sat on the couch not far from the door.

"Daddy, can we go somewhere?"
"Where do you wanna go?"
"I don't know, somewhere?"
"Just wanna ride around huh?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, but no messing around, okay?"
"Okay."

I posessed her body so I could escape without being seen. I didn't have to control what she said word for word because it wasn't needed. I knew that I could if I wanted to. When she spoke to her father, I was this formless, invisible ghost, for lack of a better term, that watched from the side. Then I woke up. Exactly 8:00AM.

8:00AM
I laid there recollecting the dreams as quickly and thoroughly as I could, then I rolled over and wrote with great speed what I could remember before I forgot.

Lucid Dealer

We greeted the ticket man outside a theater and went in. It was a Mexican opera. It was fairly large inside and warm. Going outside, it was cold and snowing. We came back and the ticket man's lips and eyebrows were covered in snow. He was shaking, his clothes like ice. He look like he would freeze like a cube of ice.

I made a "box" for him, with a window for tickets.

I built a shoe rack and painted it black. My pink running shoes were on there and I painted the back of it black.

I was lucid. Then I met a dealer, he was like a car dealer. He said he can put everything to sleep around me and I will wake up.

I woke up. Everything was dark like how the room I had fallen asleep in should be. I looked to my right and there was a guy I didn't know. I looked to my left and there was another guy. I was in a van. Full of guys. I don't know where we were going, but it felt bad and they were pretending to be on my side. There were three levels of seats. I sat there for a while. There was snow outside. I closed my eyes and tried to wake up.

I woke up... In a deeper plane. I was still in the van. The boys were awake. The man on my right looked wickedly at me. I tired to ignore it. I was talking to the boys. No longer lucid. Everyone in there was my enemy, pretending to be on my side so they can lure me into a trap.The man on my left had said someone or made a move that made me take a pencils that was on the other seat and stab in hard in the middle of his forehead. The pencil penetrated smoothly. The other boys were shocked. They backed up away from me. But he was still alive and concious, I took the pencil out and stabbed him again and again and again in the head. He seemed to be dying. I stabbed him in the heart and all over his face. He seemed to have died and I went after the others. I had used pens, but the pencil seemed to have penertrated more smoothy so I sorted out through all of the pens, pencils, and straws for a number two pencil.

A few of them made a move and I stabbed them all with the same pencil. I left one still penetrated in his body and had I use pens and other pencils but it did not flow as smoothly. I looked for a number two pencil and stabbed until everyone was down. The first man I had stabbed came back, alive, well and stronger. I stabbed him multiple times, all over his face and body. He did not react. He just smiled at me menacingly. I punched him in the face and stabbed the pencil upwards from under his chin and made a run for it.

I ran into the house the van door opened up to. I went through the door and I snuck another to the nearest bedroom, there was a door that led to another bedroom, I took that one to get farther. I opened the window, climbed out, closed it and made a jump.

Going into someone's house via door/window, running through the house and picking another room, open the window and fly/jump/climb over to another house, climbing through window and out another, repeat an umpteenth number of times.

He saw me. I flew over to another house, it was a woman whose son had problems with the guys who are chasing me. She hid me, the man who sent his men after me stopped and spoke to her. He wore black sunglasses and a suit. His hair slick back. He's going to get passed her, I know it. I was suddenly lucid again. I picked out a room and went in. I took the window. I climbed out and shut it.

I jumped off a window and flew. I hovered for some time. Trying to figure out if I should stay up here until I just wake up or should I keep running?

The dealer was there, on the ground of old snow. He was offering me the same deal. The man that was after me came around the corner to talk to the dealer. It's a trap. I jumped up and went high. Still lucid. I flew passed huge gardens full of strange plants/bushes/trees/shurbs and ponds. Water seperated gardens from each other. Some were on a black rock mountain, others were on a low tiny island near the water. I stopped by an "island" and observed the shubs while I was still lucid. They were prickle colorful star-like things if a star had points in all directions. I could not judge how deep or shallow the water is. I could not see if there was anything in the water or not.

He was watching me from the top of a black rock mountain. I jumped and flew. I flew into a temple. I awoke at the window of a room in that temple, getting ready to jump.

Forced Projection

I went to sleep sometime between four and six in the morning. I woke up passed one in the afternoon. My energy was fine, it was normal, and then five in the afternoon came and I was so drainned I could have blacked out anywhere.

I removed myself from the couch and relocated myself in the bedroom. I laid down on my stomach and saw my body and the room in a dark shade. I breathed. I am not going to project. I need to sleep, not project. I breathed again. I was going to project. I forced myself to sit up and I was out of my body. Dammit. I forced myself back in. Remember what it felt like to have a body, that heaviness, that shell, that restricted perception. I closed my eyes and fell into my body. I breathed. I awoke. I sat up. Things were brighter, everything was touchable... But I had moved deeper into the layers. Frustrated. I want to go to sleep. I am way too tired for this.

I woke. I sat up and repositioned myself. I breathed. I project out. Even deeper in the layers. It's getting harder to go back.

I don't remember much, because I didn't want to remember. I just have residues of whatever memory is left of the hell hole I've fallen in, demonic toys and how I could not wake from my body.

I groaned loudly, for long periods, hoping that he would be near enough to wake me. I awoke. He laid on the couch. There was a vibrating sound. He was getting off to the sounds of my struggle. I looked at him mad as hell. He should have woken me up. He only smiled at me, a "too bad" smile. I woke up again. Dammit. I looked around. Everything seemed touchable and real. But damn... I am not sure...

A Hostile Race -Dream Entry-

I haven't dreamed in what feels like months. But last night, while trying to figure out how to clean my new hemp ropes, I gave up, dry sticky and stinky hemp and laundry soap drying on my hands as I sat on the black leather couch, unmoving. I was trying to figure what reason I had to do this, work, right, (I'm a shibari artist, screenwriter, photographer), work for money, money to live and buy impulsive/unnecessary things, live so I don't disappoint other people that I gave up on living because I would be selfish if I just chose to die. Anyway, if I was going to mope around and think about death, I should do it when I'm alone somewhere, not when I'm at someone else's house. So I had to cut the fantasy short and not act like a lame douche. What triggered the dream to be intense enough for me to remember was the emotion I had before I fell asleep.

A dentist was cleaning my teeth with a ball-point pen. Everytime he scraped at my teeth, the ink would come on and he would have to wipe it away with that dentist napkin.

A mexican cathedral. I've gone up to the top a few times, where the bells would usually be at but there were no bells, just a lot of gargoyles everywhere. The final time I've gone up there, I felt the entities of the other realms move about, hostile, irritated and passively-violent until a breaking point (a reflection of myself). I was racing against time and I had to get into the church before the entire outside fills with these beings that are even more physical and violent. I moved gargoyles that surrounded an area shaped into a box, it was suppose to lead into the church by stairs. I stepped into that "box" but the enity, a young boy that was that "box" area didn't let me in. so I was stuck, racing against time and trying to convince this entity to let me in. He said he wasn't allowed to let anything in, meaning, any of the bad guys out here. But whoever gave him those orders was too vauge and it didn't allow access of ANYONE and ANYTHING. I felt like I could have twisted things and made it work. I was running out of time. I ran off the church building top.

-Dream Entry-

I coughed up a two-by-one inch block-ish green and yellow mucus a few minutes ago.

{I fell asleep at Danial's after I had eight ounces of a Sour Apple Smirnoff, a few wings, and smoked something called Pyro. I don't know what is in it, I did my best to find out, no information is found, but I smoked it anyway because I craved a new perception.}

I was in my house with my sister. Zombies were at the door, clawing, breaking the window of the door and reaching in to grab at me and the doorknob that was on the right side of the door.

My sister stood on my right, both of us standing a few feet away from the door, just watching. I was lucid a few quick scattered moments here. It was nerve racking watching them try to break in. My sister kept violently hitting them away when they got too close.

There's not much we can do except stand here and hit them, hoping they would eventually go away.

Rob Zombie was wandering outside. We were waiting for him.

I got onto the mattress that was strangely in the living room between the two couches that sat accross from each other. I stripped. I didn't just take it off, I stripped, as if hypnoitized. Everything was hazy. I rolled onto my stomach, bringing my knees up to my elbows, the side of my face pressed against the mattress. There was something behind me, watching. I saw through its' eyes, hazy. Things were moving in rythmic motion, but I couldn't see who or what it was.

I have projected out and into my house and I'm screwing a demon/entity of some sort. Great.

I was suddenly very VERY lucid, I had projected out so hard I thought I was awake and was at home in the morning with my sister and she was getting ready for school. I looked around to check, to make sure I wasn't still projecting or dreamming. The seven in the morning light shined through the doors and windows. The walls were solid, my chair at the dinning table didn't have my jacket because I was wearing it, my notebooks, pencils and laptop were on the chair were I had left them. The doorknob was on the left, blinds awkwardly angled like how they are. The mattress was not there. Everything was in place. I, she, and everything felt very grounded. Even more grounded than when I walk around in my physical body.

My sister went over to the sink in the kitchen, she came from the downstairs bathroom. I remember her. She's not my sister, but she shares the body with my sister. I'm not sure who she is, but I've met her many times before, she is rude but she is good. I think she noticed me notice her because she looked at me like I had just woken up, like, hello-sleepy-head kind of look.

"I'm lucid". I told her.

She said something and smiled at me, then went back into the bathroom. At this moment, I forgot I was projecting. I had to use the bathroom. I had to use it since I went over to Danial's. I went into the bathroom and started emptying my bowls. In the middle of it I was lucid again. I took notice that I was using the damn toliet and I've never had emptied my bowls in my dreams before. I had hoped I wasn't urninating on Danial's bed. I told her about the mattress, the demon and the zombies. She knew what I was talking about, she was conscious for that and she remembers. Crazy. I asked her what it meant. She had explained it all to me, BUT I FREAKING FORGOT!!!

Later, I was constantly was moving in and out of lucidity throughout this part, in the morning in my dream/projection, my "sister" and I were in a restaurant on top of a mountain somewhere. It was nice and sunny outside. I only see that kind of sunlight when I'm far away from the city, usually at sunrise. Sunrises like this are my favorite, they make me feel alive and happy.

My sister and I sat at a table of the right of the restaurant, we had window seat. We were having a very funny conversation. A waiter came, we asked for more time, he said he'll come back later. I looked accross the table to my "sister", Takumi was her name. We were talking about the zombies and Rob Zombie. It was a very pleasant conversation. I grinned and asked her if she would "help me", I raised my eyebrows at her and gave her a sneaky look. She said, "Yes, of course". But she didn't catch onto the dirty thing I was thinking about. I thought she was able to read my mind, but apparently she can't. She had agreed to help me with something else. What I was asking for was to screw Rob Zombie. Yeah. That's dirty in many ways.

Suddenly I wasn't very lucid, it's hard to explain, I know Takumi is there, but at the same time I'm not lucid enough to know that I am projecting/dreamming. I told her I was going to order some coffee. She said okay and I went up to the cash register to the waiter that had come by earlier. I asked for an ice coffee. The waiter was being stubborn about giving me that order. He gave me some bullshit. I had argued. I think he was thinking I was too young to have coffee. I went back to the table and told Takumi he didn't want to give me it. We had another enlightening conversation that I had forgot. Then the waiter came with menus, Takumi ordered a glass of orange juice, I had again, tried to order a coffee. He told me he doesn't have enough, I was shot with a visual image of a coffee cup being 1/4 full. He then asked me if I still wanted anyway. I said yes. The top of his face got filled with condensed milk and was filling up the rest of his face. Like filling up a jar of honey. He left to go get it. I thought it was weird, but being partly lucid, I shrugged it off.

I don't know why I wanted the coffee so badly, like as if my life depended on it. Normally, I would have just said okay and get something else.


-                                                                                                                                                                  -
I've been lucid dreamming everynight for two or three weeks, the problem is remembering them. Usually an alarm clock screams at me and all I can think about when I wake up is violently throwing the alarm clock across the room.

At the beginning of the two/three weeks of lucid dreamming, it started out with me being lucid for only a moment, then I slowly started to get more time for being lucid, now it's 1/4 of the dream. Hoopla! Hopefully it'll keep extending.

The Incident In The Kitchen

I stood in the corner of the kitchen by myself at 2:30AM, scooping out some rice from the rice cooker and patting it onto a seaweed sheet. I cut up some pieces of meat into little squares and I did the same with some cucumbers. I began to project in and out of my body, in some rhythm. I was too tired to be scared that I was, again projecting unwillingly. I crushed some chips and threw it on top of all of that.

I stood there by myself, chewing a piece of cold bone, not caring about how unhealthy I was being. I thought about my mother again. She stopped being a mother to me after the divorce. That's when I started stealing, food, money, stuff I could sell so I can get money. I was saving up for some reason. I can't remember why.

I thought about how I was never good enough for her no matter how hard I've tried. I sold a lot of my stuff, and I put everything I've made into this white and blue pig. Then my cousin's dad went and stole almost everything in it in front of me. Telling me that it's his money, and that I stole from him. But I didn't. I didn't steal anything from him. I remember that smirk on his face. I remember how I sat there on the mattress, alone in the cold room, in shock of what just happened and how I can't do anything about it. Who's going to listen to the scape goat? All the saving I've did for years just grew legs and walked out on me. I cried hard in that pink room by myself. I made a hole in the wall I was so frustrated. Served me right for stealing.

I began to roll the sheet up.

I started to think about how unhealthy I am and if I'll regret it. I started to think about if it even mattered and why it should. I'm not really comming up with much except having to repay my mother for keeping a roof over my head, food in the fridge and for seven years of being a mother to me. Yes, it has to be repaid. Why? I just feel like it has to be repaid. Needs to be a balance.

I wrapped my the large sushi roll I've made and it fell apart. Cucumber pieces, rice, pieces of meat from some unknown animals, crushed Ruffles chips pieces all over the cutting board. I felt like eating something with meat on it. I stared at the fallen food.

"Like hell I'm going to pick that up and eat it." I picked it up with my hands and ate it.

"Like hell I'm going to eat the rice off the dirty counter" I said to myself and picked up the rice off that dirty counter with my hands and ate it.

I tried to remold the sushi roll into a roll while astral projecting unwillingly at the same time, and the roll became some failure that I eventually cut up into five parts and ate it at the kitchen counter with my hands because I was too tired to use any utensil.

It wasn't very tasteful and I was getting more and more depressed after every handful of food I shoved into my mouth. I ranted very quickly in my head about mental disorders I may have and if there are pills I should take. As I ranted, I astral projected in and out a few dozen times until I forgot what it felt like to be grounded.

I looked at the BBQ flavored Ruffles and wondered why I was eating that. I had a flashback of my dad explanning to me why I shouldn't eat or drink that if I was sick.

I shoved what was left of my roll into a bowl and took out a pair of chopsticks.

A Violent, Intense Struggle -Missing Entry-

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in a moving car going sixty on the freeway. It was rainning. And I was very motivated thanks to the full moon. Through all my notes, I've found that water, the full and wanning moon has a very nifty impact on me. Rain and full moon combined was driving me crazy. A little annoyance, like bad grammar, would led me to rage, BUT can quickly shift to happiness and gratefullness. Being a libra and sensitive to other forces, this was shifting way too quickly, and the feelings were way too intense. Besides snapping at people a few times, I've manage pretty well.

I meditated in that moving car. I haven't meditated in months. I figured if I stay away from anything and everything that links me to magic, I'll forget and those creatures will leave me alone. I knew it wasn't possible, I could put a cork in it, but that'll only hold for so long, until somethings triggers and makes it pop. A person, a smell, a sound, a movie, a quote, religion, etc., it's unavoidable. Adding to this, Kikaider, also Missing is back.

Yesterday, I opened myself back into that world with open arms, even to the golems, even projection.

I pulled energy into my third eye, a few pulls and I saw one big eye ball that was outlined in aura colors (every color flashing every color at once) mainly purple. A few pulls later that eyeball moved back and showed me the other eye, it was very large on the creature it was. The creature was shirvied, like an immortal human that hasn't had any food or water in centuries. I gasped. Wonder what that thing is. Was it Missing? Could be. Then I doubt it. So it's not. It's just some curious wandering thing. I can't believe I mistook it as Missing.

I went to church. There was a mass going on because of Thanksgiving, I sat in the back, where the wall is, because there isn't any room anywhere else. The concentration was mainly up front, I guess, the ones that arrived early for church. The focus was barely there in the back area, they must have thinking about dinner or something of that manner. Everyone stood up to "hold hands" and I took that moment to walk over to the holy water fountain, and before I reached it, the middle section that led down toward the preist, was pulling me. The buzz was very strong, I've never felt something so thick and concentrated. I wanted to run and jump up and down in the middle section that set the two bleachers apart. But I really did not want to spasm in the middle of the church screaming something, mainly because I saw some familiar faces. I wouldn't mind doing it if everyone understood demons and possesion. I'm sure more than half the church would wave that thought away, saying movies and stories. I accidentally dunked my entire hand into the holy water, a few people saw me, I threw the water around my neck and walked out. I didn't mind them thinking whatever they were thinking. *crosses arms like a little kid* I'm not religious so I don't have to follow their rules.

Anyway, the water didn't burn me with liquid needles this time... But the gift shop did. I was scanning the crosses and statues with my left hand, I bumped into a few concentrated ones and it slowly pierced long needles into my arm, from the palm of my hand and up my arm, slowly until I couldn't move my left hand anymore, it was numb. I continued, with my right hand. I traced the coins, and took two (One Day At A Time and Lady of Loreto) not from what it says but from how much concentration it had and took a The Fivefold Scapular made of wool. The Scapular gave me a head rush that lasted hour an hour after I stuck it against my head for a few seconds. I haven't even opened the plastic bag it was in.

I meditated myself to sleep. Pushing aura out and burning those strange black pieces of all sizes that was in my aura with a bright white light. I've never fully manage to see that white light that made me want to squit to see it, but I was able to tonight. My aura... Was freakin dirty. I felt like I spent a few days doing that.

I awoke an hour or two later, freakin dehydrated like a fish. I drank about 16 ounces in one go..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Hah... This must be why I was dehydrated every waking hour no matter how much water I drank, at jobcorp. HAH!

Effects of Magic

This is happened through Albert.

Two days later.

An Infection of Madness

Since I've gotten up from laying down in bed wide awake all morning, I've been trying to make myself useful by creating useless projects, solving mathematical problems, trying to keep myself from becoming dull and lifeless, pretending that there's really a reason behind doing what I'm doing. It's all great, me here, sitting and poking at things. I'm losing my grip. I am seriously having trouble holding on to this plane. The gun range was nice, meeting new and interesting people was nice, missing those I'm spirirtually connected to is nice and painful.

Perhaps because my demon has slipped past the bars I put him in and is now haunting my every hour is taken it's toll on me, again. Sometimes I want to give into him. Sometimes I do give into him. Sometimes I really fucking hate him. He wants me to go through with our contract. I've seen the mistakes in it after I slowly and painfully signed part of his name onto my flesh. He will never leave me, because the part of the contract I've signed binds him to me as long as I remain in this body. What he gets if I fully sign myself over, is everything, everything that is me, my physical body, my "soul", he will have everything. A reckless move I've made, that's why I've never told anyone what the contract was about. It's embarassing. It's unthoughtful. Implusive.

What do I get from this? Ecstasy everytime I bleed for him. Ecstasy everytime I scream in pain. Ecstasy everytime I fall into a pool of black emotions. Ecstasy whenever I feel pain. What I didn't catch when I was experiencing this was, I only had a taste of this ecstasy, never more than a taste. He will never fully give me the full package. Never. Because that is not in the contract and he gets off on torturing me. He loves it when I beg him for more. He never gives me more, only false hopes, then he parts to someplace and leaves me straving and alone.

If the contract is complete, if I fully sign myself over to him, I will part from this body (yes, there is a very big chance I will dramatically collapse onto the floor and die), and he will take me with him, absorb me into him, and I will experience a heaven of blood, gore, laughter, power, forever living in ecstacy -until someone takes him out-. What I found was erotic and heavenly then (blood and gore) is now some horrible phobia I have. I hate that stuff. If he takes me, my soul undergo that unthinkable nightmare until I loose myself... Then who knows what he'll do with all that power?

It's been seven years since our encounter, I met him when I was eleven. I signed the contract when I was thirteen... Hah... Irony... I shut him out in October 13, 2006, the same day I was going to go through with the contract. And November 01, 2011 was when he got back. All just because I had a little want.

I was able to shut him out because I had something to hold onto. Something to that made me want to give it another last chance. I did. I was too sure. Too hopeful. And I got more mental problems than I could handle from this hope.

He's back now because I don't have much to hold onto anymore. I just wanted to touch this evil, just a little bit. I just wanted just a little bit of a rush... Just a little.

Missing -Dream Entry-

Monday November 15, 2010
8:00 AM - 1:30PM

There is a closet in my mother's bedroom. She hates it when I go into her room. But I went in there anyway, to get into her closet. Why? I can't remember. Maybe I didn't have a reason.

The bedroom was strangely square. But I was more focused on what was in the closet than how her bedroom. The closet looked like a larger verison of the one my father has in his bedroom. It was dark, (I always hated my father's closet, but I liked that rush of fear, and I always wanted to test how much I can take) I went in there.

On the floor there is an opening, and a ladder that leads downwards. I don't know how far down it goes, it's just deep enough that if you dropped a rock, you won't hear it drop for... Gee, I don't know, I never tested it. It's just deep, okay?

Climbing off the ladder on first floor (first floor down anyway), it was dark, but I could still see, objects were illuminated in a blue-grey shade. I went off to the other ladder, oh yeah, my sister is with me. We climbed down a few more levels and ...

I can't remember...

I think there was a face I didn't want to see again. But I did. I craved it.

I hurried my sister up the later. We got out of the closet and out of the room.

........... I can't remember this part either.....

My mother went into the closet and I went in to go find her because she was taking too long.

I was a few levels down. Looking around, listening to sounds that might tell me where my mother is. She is really far down, because I don't hear any sounds. A brush of hair, cold and silky. I remember that feeling. I remember that smell. I turned around and I wanted to scream. I stood looking at him. That plastic grin he wears is there. Never changing. I wanted to touch him.. I backed up... I backed all the way up. As I climbed the ladders, he rose, floating, like the demon he is, behind me. He didn't touch me, which is suprising. But that intoxicating smell of his was brainwashing me. I could not turn around and give in to him. I was fighting the urge so hard I didn't even notice he moved to another side. I stopped at the first floor and turned around. He stood on the fifth floor (maybe lower) and he looked up at me. Someone else was standing on his right, I can't see who it is, but whoever it is, he's taller than "him".

He rose, lifting quickly off the floor. His robe is suddenly off. He wore nothing but his black pants and black boots. Usually, I don't give a damn about how bodies look, but seeing him within arm's reach like that, seeing those familiar shapes, was killing me. I was haivng trouble breathing and thinking because I wanted to reach out and touch him so badly. Everything was so clear, my dreams are more vivid than when I am awake, but he was even more vivid. It was suffocating looking at him in general, but looking at him this close was killing me, it was like fighting with someone in the deep end of the pool. I wanted to at least get a few inches closer. I should not. I didn't. I turned around and climbed up the ladder and woke up.

When I woke up, I stilled smelled him, it was thick in my blankets and on me. Or maybe it was on me and it got onto my blankets.

I did not sleep with my guardians, that may have given him the ability to get into my dreams.

Peter's Shadow.

2010 November 02 Tuesday

I will describe my hallucinations and flashes that take over my vision that I will have in the next sixty minutes:

Caterpillar crawling around my crotch. Yeah, I feel it, and I see it too. A flash of a clown. A flash of wooden puppets in dim orange-yellow lighting. Albert smoking outside at night. An itch, a feather, I can't remember the color, a false angel... I hate those things... This one looks like some see through light-peach colored paper strips wrapped up to make a human-like figure, I can see one eye peeking through, the other is covered by shadows, it holds the long feather against my back. Eyeballs, various eyeballs bouncing around, squishing sounds. Strip club, very dim lighting, a large woman with long hair and very heavy makeup and layers of lingerie on top of each other. Dozens of caterpillars in my tea. A penis going through some guy's forehead. Cold, like how it would be cold on a night near a large body of water. I hear the water now, sounds like a lake. Being shoved out of a car by some guy I used to date. Piercing ice-cold water knocks the breath out of me and stabs at my lungs like billions of microscopic needles. I look up and see some white bear-human thing with a blue face looking at me with one (right) green eye and the other (left) eye is blue. A fish, salmon? Just one though, I think it's face froze at the ice. I was outside a second ago, now I'm in an ice cave lit bright white. A wooden nutcracker (I'm not a fan of wooden puppets and clowns, I think these are Albert's flashes). Bleeding in a car that's driving over 100mph down a curving slope and having an orgasm at the same time. Wine glass filled with expensive wine and sand. Barnacles, black ones. In the bathroom, on some sort of drug, I'm on the toilet urinating while looking up into the eyes of someone, I'm not sure if it's a male or female or both, but their eyes are the size of two baseballs. An exotic blueish-silver butterfly flying and crawling into my ear, scraping and scratching to get deeper. A wolf man, he rapes a woman with long light brown hair, she's wearing a silk black robe that comes with a red belt/strap, it's open. I don't know if she's enjoying it or not, it's hard to tell, but there's a lot of THICK blood in the crotch area. Oh, now she has a crown thing, the one Wonder-Woman has. I'm in the ocean, it's clear and light blue, but I'm really deep in the ocean, deeper than anyone has gone, passed the darkness... HAH, passed the darkness there is light... Very funny... I turn to my right and there's this weird very long creature, like a soft rounded worm-seal, it doesn't have any arms or legs, I can't see's its tail, it's too big for me to see it, and it has a dark grey humanish face, like a thousand year old cranky/disgusted man, but that's just the way it looks, no idea how it actually feels. Strawberries and honey spilling of a glove compartment in the same car I was in the the earlier flash. Orgasm, a large worm bursts out, the one that was crawling around my crotch earlier, he enlarged by 5000x. The worm is wet and turns to look at me, it's face is a two-million-year-old man's face, it open it's mouth, no sound, it has horns, white hair, it's body dull green color, looks the same as the caterpillar that was crawling on the floor earlier, except for the head. A flash, Pinocchio from Shriek. Another flash, a great white shark. Lying on a bed in a motel, holding a gun and chewing a few bullets in my mouth, one hanging around my lips, I'm wearing white lingerie, looking out the window I see stores, the kind of stores you would see at very small towns, and behind that is mountains, really close, I'm on one. Maybe it's Oregon. It's not sunny, it's not dark, it is like how it would look when the sky can't decide on whether or not the rain or shine. An itch in my throat, black-silver butterflies, the same species as before, crawls, flutters, lands, scratches, I look up and open my mouth, one crawls out of my mouth, a few fly out. Putting on layers and layers of eyeliner on top of each other, a small burnt man (fried to the point that his skin his black and if you touch him he'll flake) with his eyes that seem to have popped out of his sockets stare at me in the mirror. Alien. A memory of a mushroom trip I had, when I was looking up at the ceiling and seeing life, animals being born, running, getting tired, falls, birth of new and it just keeps going, it spirals up into the center of the ceiling and it repeats so much I can't see what happens at the center. The butterfly that crawled out of my mouth lands on my ear and crawls in, not viciously this time. I'm laying in the clouds with the butterflies. Peter Pan walks up to me with his hands on his hips. I don't look at him, but I see his shadow. I'm three years old, I'm at a Lee's Sandwiches with my mother, she had just ordered sandwiches for people at home, I'm dragging along a rag doll, my size (jeez, I've forgotten all about that doll), my mother looks at me and makes a face that made me laugh. A friend just said goodnight to me over myspace IM and my mind instantly flashed me tying him to a computer chair with brown sailor's rope, he spoke of dreaming about spiders and I saw them hanging around the room and crawling all over us. An itch in my throat, I open my mouth and one black-silver-green butterfly flew out.

Okay, I had actually gone into a meditative state doing this so this whole thing wasn't just flashes and hallucinations, it was a rough journey. I've never meditated on a totem like this before.

-Astral Projection Entry- An Encounter With A Demon

2010 August 29 Sunday
Astral Week Physcial Plane Time: 3:30AM-4:30AM


Sunday, I got stuck in the astral plane for a whole hour, but in the astral plane, I was there for a freakin week because of some crazy entity that pulled me out there. 


First day, I was in first layer of astral realm, everything pitch black with energy outlines. I saw it -him-, he molded the area to make it look like the room I was in, and he molded himself, an outline of the person that was sleeping in the room with me. And he was screwing me, and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt a few things crawl on me, I think they were ants... A LOT OF THEM! But that didn't bother me more than the screwing. I realized it was the astral plane very quickly, and I tried forcing myself awake, and he was holding me down somehow, so I couldn't shoot back. I didn't -or couldn't- talk or scream. I haven't got my "astral legs" yet, so moving was difficult.


Second day, he made me read a book and it was about him (I don't remember anything I've read of it because the rest of the week filled up and it's hard to remember a whole entire week in under a second) , I read more than half the book. Outines were showing more light, so I saw more of the area and him. I can talk now, and so can he. I saw that there was something wrong with the right side of his face, maybe he forgot to mold that part. I didn't mention anything about his face to him. I didn't want him to know that I knew he messed up and wasn't good at fooling me. A few times I forced myself awake, but he pulled me back out before I could even take a conscious breath.


Third day, he molded himself so I could see outlines of his face, the right side of his face was torn, ripped, something happened to it, and it was raw, but not bleeding. There were bugs crawling around everywhere, cockroch-like things and smaller rounded bugs crawling all the place, all around him and his face, all up my arms, legs, neck, and face. I shot back and before I reached by body he pulled me back.


Forth day, getting some yellow lamp lighting from the physical realm, I saw him more clearer now, bugs still everywhere, he hid the right side of his face a few times while he was talking to me (I don't remember about what, it was just about him though). 


Fifth day, he made me read a passage he outlined in the book, he outlined it with the ink of the pen I had in my coat pocket that hung on the chair. 


Sixth day, he threw a freakin tantrum, it was about how I kept leaving him (I kept trying to wake myself up and everytime I did, he would pull me back out). I remember him screaming "YOU WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME!", and I wasn't most of the week because he freaked me out, I think he tried to fool me to thinking that this plane is the physical plane, but I kept thinking, even if I stayed it wouldn't be the same (it, meaning this fake realm he created), his eyes were really creepy, his iris were pitch black, like it could pull you in. I forced myself back a lot today.


Seventh day, he was sighing a lot, he kept covering the right side of his face with his hair, he sat on the couch, right foot on left knee, elbows on the top of the couch, right hand to face, pouting. Still talking about how I don't like him. He reminded me of Junior and that vampire fellow who thearten me with a sawed down shotgun. Just assuming things, telling me things I've said that I never said. The ground was some white marble, and there was black dirt that came from the direction of the chimney, and dull orange maple leaves were on the ground as if they were blown in from the chimney. I tried forcing myself awake a lot while he was sitting on the couch. I came back and said outloud to myself, "I am possessed" because for some reason I thought I was possessed. I had a very difficult time moving and getting up, I felt the need -urge- to go back, but I was also scared that he would do something horrible to me, so I was sitting still, contemplating for the longest time. Then, I made coffee.

2010 July 13 Tuesday -Dream Entry-

Time of Rest: 4:00PM - 9:00PM


I had to get out. They have captured me and I am a lab rat, the future would only end in death for me here.
They took my clothes. I have nothing.
I'm not sure how I ended up sneaking into a scientist's private room, but I was there and I was naked. There was a desk on the wall that had the door. Papers, lab objects and boxes crowded the small room.
I searched for a heater or A/C vent that I could crawl through. Yes! I found one. But I would not able to dissemble the damn device so I could get through, and if I had anything to smash it with, smashing would be pointless.
I heard the scientist comming back. I believe he had left to go talk to someone in another room. I didn't have enough time to escape. If I did, he would see me and they would get me before I would even be able to get across a few rooms. I hopped off table and rushed to find some place to hide. Nowhere. There is not even a box I could hide behind. I found a pair of lab goggles and quickly put it on. I crouched low, acting as if I was doing something important. If I acted causually, he wouldn't notice that I was not wearing any clothes. If all goes as plannned, he would take me as another worker scearching for misplaced papers and leave me alone, even though it IS his room. 
He opened the door. It was a man dressed in white, with short cut hair, and glasses. There I crouched, going through papers and he looked at me. His attention at my face, a casual surprise. His eyes never wandered from me face.
"Why are you not wearing any clothes?" He asked, a hint of anger in his voice. A flare of suspicion passed his eyes. I tried to figure out a way out of this as I watched an understanding of who I was grow in his eyes.
Damn, I was so sure I could have fooled him.
I did not plan this out, and I had no escapse plan for this. I was so sure I would be able to escape in time. He backed up slowly. He called for other employees and security.
A female, she was with me in the other room, she managed to escape. She ran down the hallway holding an axe, pushing through confused scientists in white. A look of panic was upon her face as she ran to me. They had not stripped her of her clothing yet.
She shut the door and we pushed the table to block the door from opening.
We grinned at each other in relief.
We searched the room for an availble escape vent. Most of them were fake. I kicked all of the heater and AC vents in, and none of them were attached to the wall. Then I remembered the one that I had first come to. We took the heater device off of the vent and I went to crawl through first. It was too small. Have we grown so much in so little time that we could not get through the vent that I was sure we could get through a few moments ago?
I stood bewildered for a moment, and then continued rushing to find other vents, surely there must be one that is real. As I was getting myself off the table, a man with brown hair that grew down to his ears, bangs split in half, and he had the thick facial hair you get when you don't shave for a few days. He squeezed himself through the door and shut it. Locked. His eyes flickered to her, since she closest to him. She raised the axe and before it hit him, he took her neck in the bend of his elbow and turned sharply around so he can see me.
He slowly added more pressure to his hold. He curved his spine, holding her up by only her neck, her feet lifting off the ground several feet. She dropped the axe and her hands went to pull at his arm, nails digging in deep.
I knew I could not provide enough force to knock him off balance. If I hit him, anywhere, he would not do so much as flinch. I knew that and he knew that. He turned his attention away from me as he heard guards running down the hallway and shouting. 
No choice. I took the axe and wacked it at his spine. He fell and I stood over him.
His eyes were closed, face in pain, but he was still moving. His thorat convulsed, threating to scream. 
He reached for me with his right hand. I threw the axe at his fingers, his eyes open, I cut down his hand and up his arm. He looked at me in rage, telling me that he's going to kill me no matter what it takes. He reached for me with his other hand, I hacked at it, I cut down his arm piece by piece, slicing him into thick pieces of salami. No blood, (as usual with my dreams) and he was still conscious and screaming. I hacked at his neck, and did the same to it as I did with his arms. I did it because in his state of blind rage, he would have still gone after me with stubs, or teeth.
Then, he laid silently. There was no movement in his chest and I was sure he had died. 
I looked back up at her. She wasn't disgusted, she wasn't scared, just relieved.
I sat down next to this man I had just hacked up. She went to find a way out again.
Then his chest moved, up and down.
I watched him breathe, he was healing.
Eventually he opened his eyes and looked at me. I was still holding the axe but I wasn't thinking about putting him back down to the floor, just curious. He looked a little pale, maybe it was because he just died. I watched him sit up, his arms and neck were connected again, but where I had sliced him, gapped, showing lines of dark red.
I don't remember much of what was said or if anything was said. I just remember we reacted to each other's energies to the point of where it had built up so much we could probably have walked on it. 
Then he left the room to deal with people. He came back and said something to the female, apparently no one was after us anymore. I don't know what he said or what he had done but apparently, we are all safe now. She left the room. He closed door and we had the room to ourselves. The energy grew again and I was ready to screw some guy I had just chopped up moments ago. He touched my arm and brought me closer to him as he leaned back against the table. His anatomy looked different, but very familiar, and he was not wearing what he had wore a few minutes ago. He wore a sleeveless black jacket, black pants and black boots. His skin color was pale, not the natural tan he had when he came in wanting to kill me in. And his hair was dark and stuck up in all directions. We moved closer to each other, almost close enough to kiss. I awoke.


I'm suspecting Kikaider took over his body at the moment I had killed the man who was in blind rage. And when Kikaider took over, he began to healed very quickly. I had slept with Kikaider at my head this afternoon, and I awoke with his right boot touching my forehead. His left arm had come off from the shoulder. I am very sure I had not touched him at all (except his right boot). Even Noodles told me I had barely moved at all in my sleep. 


I think it's pretty neat.

-Astral Projection Entry- The Remanding Residues From My Astral Body

2010 April 16 Friday


Hypnophobia: Fear of sleep.


Sleep time: 5:12 PM - 5:20AM


I am alseep (I think), my eyes are still closed and I hear my mother's car turn on and then ease out, leaving for work. I open my eyes and look at my door, it's closed. It was open when I went to bed. My mother must have closed it.


Then it's quiet.


Suddenly I am walking downstairs in the dark, colors from entities of all types flicker in quick and slow movements. The TV is on in the living room, something loud was playing, I tried to see what was playing, but the screen was darken to a very dark grey color movements of whatever was playing creep through a lighter color, why was it so dark? (I guess this explains that the TV still receives signals even when it's off...) I looked toward the dining room, it was a little lighter, the light was on in there (we don't have a light that we use often in the living room), I can see the bulb having dimmed lights (that's not how it normally looks), the rest of the space away from the light was dark. I guess that proves to me why I feel better in light than dark. There are just so many damn things lurking around in the dark and around the light, there are less, under the light, there are barely any.


I turned to walk back upstairs, going through the dark living room and back upstairs. At the stairs I came to realize why it was so dark and loud, I'm projecting. SHIT.


I quickly try to sense my body, it's essence, the way it feels to be breathing, to have organs and skin. Suddenly I am back on my bed. I open my eyes and I feel heavy, it was hard to roll over, like being very tired after walking up mountains with no rest for a few days and you just had a few minutes of sleep but you have to get up, everything is numb and heavy, yeah, it felt like that. I rolled over to get up from my bed and I look at my hands, they are see through. SHIT. I force myself back to my physical body and tried to roll over again, I'm still projecting, and this rolling over adventure happened too many times to keep count. Every time, I became more vivid, less transparent.


I open my eyes and I see the ceiling, finally, I am back, I roll over to get off my bed and stand. My sister is in the bathroom, I walk over, the light in there is clear and light as it has always been, yes, I am back. My sister walked passed me without a word to get something from her room, she walked back into the bathroom to do her hygiene, typical. I grabbed my towel and rubbed it against my face. I could feel the little knobs of thread in the towel like I always can, I looked in the mirror, I can see myself, nothing is different. But I am projecting. I got frustrated. My sister was putting toothpaste on her toothbrush.


And I screamed, "CAN YOU SEE ME?!! CAN YOU SEE ME??!"


My sister looked at me and said, "Yes." Rolled her eyes.


I stopped screaming immediately, I looked into the mirror again, there's nothing different, my iris is gone, or maybe my pupil took over my iris completely. My cheeks are flushed hot pink, yeah, it happens when I feel certain emotions enough.


I looked at my sister, she said something, I forgot what, I open my eyes and I see the ceiling. I sit up, it was easy.


It's 5:10 AM. I have been "sleeping" for twelve hours again. The dragon that watches over me at my beside has been knocked down to the floor.


I look at my door, it's open. Wasn't it just closed? Who opened it?!


I walked out of my room, I walked into the bathroom, my sister wasn't in there, she was alseep in her room. I looked into the mirror. It was scary. I was just here, the exact same height, same colors, I was just here. The space where I stood in my astral form left some sort of ghostly residue that made me feel uneasy. I look in the mirror, the only difference is there is no blood in my face, I'm pale from fright. The projection was too damn vivid, I had even felt the feeling that I feel now, as I stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom. It was exactly the same. Am I really here? Am I really in my physical body now? I really hope so.


I walked out of the bathroom and downstairs. The stairs of where I had stopped and realized I was projecting also had that ghostly residue. The light in the living room was off, the tv was off, the light in the dinning room was on.


I made myself a very large cup of coffee. Bitter.


My sister came out of her room, later sometime passed six. I asked her if she dreamed of anything at 5AM. She told me she was awake at the time, and then she went back to sleep. She said she heard someone yelling her name. My sister is a spell caster. She does it all the time, and I hate it sometimes beccause she abuses it. She also has created another one of herself, she calls it her alter ego, and it's jaded, mentally. I've encountered it many times, I thought it was just my sister, now I know it IS, part of her, but not exactly. So I think, her alter ego may have said a spell that got me to be back in my body. Because I don't remember what she said and, immediately in the middle of her casting, I was back in my body.


Before, when I was still learning and trying to astral project and always tried every evening of everyday for over half a year, and I wasn't able to project. Instead, I made mistakes of channeling and remote viewings, but never astral projection.


Now that I don't ever want to anymore, I do. Every night I fear nightmares, false awakenings and astral projection, and everynight I have them.


I wish the human body has a choice of sleeping and not sleeping as it wishes. But the human body must sleep or it will be overworked and die, like a computter that's been on for too long. But the memory of the computter is still there, it can always be taken out and put in another computter... Ah, sysbolism.






Everytime I have a nightmare, it becomes lucid, and I force myself to wake up, and when I wake up, it's false. So I try again, it's false, and again, it's false, and a few more times, and when I am finally awake, I am relieved, and then I go back to sleep after a minute or two of changing my mentally so I won't go back to it. I lay down, close my eyes, and I find myself out of my body, immediately I try to get back. 


This has been happening for over three months, every time I decided to finally go to sleep, I can be up for days avoiding sleep, avoiding my fear of the other realms. I know I had never stopped to explore, and I probably should, but I don't because I don't want to get involved with it anymore, I remember the person who I made a dealing with, and he gave me many warnings, so many it started to get annoying, "Are you sure you want to do this? There's no going back.", I told him I was ready, I believed I would not regret it, I had no fears, I didn't and I do not fear death, and dying would be some interesting experience, I think of it every hour, what would it be like to be shot? Would I fall back in shock but not feel it? If I did feel it, would I remember be able to remember the things I loved and hate, would it even occur to me? What would I be thinking about as I experience my life draining away? What would it be like to have my throat ripped out and have my own blood come to my mouth and the toxic air go into my lungs and organs as they wished? How painful will that feel? Would I in some way enjoy it? Every time I think of dying, it's always very painful, I always feel it physically, but vaguely. In my thoughts of death, when I would reach very close to death, pain overwhelms me and I suddenly feel peaceful, happy in a way, then all of my thoughts and memories I ever had comes and flashes before me, over a million times, playing again and again like a movie that you can never stop watching, is this the way the universe communicates? Telling you there is something you have to do by repeating memories and making objects, sentences, feelings, or people stand out? And when I understand, the memories stop and everything is quiet, I am alone, utter silence, left with only my thoughts and waiting, suddenly I have life and my memories slowly become forgotten, slipping away as the moments pass. I start again, another chess piece on the board playing the game of the universe. He was right, we are just all playing a game, forever. I hope we're wrong.