-Rant Entry- Surprise Boss Level With -50 Damage

I awoke to the sound of an alarm clock screeching loudly behind me. I'd reluctantly rolled myself over and pressed the snooze. I was unable to go back to sleep with the knowledge that it will ring again in three minutes. It rang, and I kept my patience. Actually, I was testing myself. I tapped it the first five times, then I began to hit it more aggressively, hitting it to hurt it, and to cause pain to myself because I was already feeling the depression the day had for me. And pain eventually feels damn good for me.

It screamed for the umpteenth time, and I let it ring. I let the loudness deaf me. Well, eventually I had rolled off and switch the side button to off. No more will it ring.

I looked in the mirror today, after an hour of obsessive-complusive-disorder with my movements. I disgust myself, I could see myself becoming physically, mentally and spiritually tainted. Drained like I have a leech drainning everything away from me.

Lately, food looks unappealing, no matter how hungry I feel, it tastes bland, what the heck is this we're eating? Is it even nessarcy? Just because our parents says we have to, just because science says so, doesn't prove anything, how do you know for sure? How do you know it's not just an illusion, your mind telling you from repitativeness that you need it or else you'll die. Because other people have died from not eating? How do you know they're not just an illusion? How many people here, are actually real and not just made up by someone -something-? How do you know you haven't just signed a contract to be a lab rat, to test a vitural world?

I remember waking up today, but I don't feel awake. I feel dull, like an unsharpen pencil forced to write.

I have gone passed the level of depression I am used to and there is no word to express how I feel. Any moment now, all of this can be ripped away from me, and I keep imagining how horrible it would be to be flung into infinite darkness, slowly forgetting everything. Forget who I am, what is Earth, what is animal, human and what is a person and why that even matters. If we smack our heads against something hard our vision will darken and sometimes will stay that way, and I'm sure there are many people walking around with a dim colored view of reality, maybe that's why they dress so badly, maybe that's why they prefer overly bright clothing over a neutral color.

I want to wake up from this, my eyes show distance, I know, because I can see it, and it disgusts me, but I'm having trouble grounding myself. If I saw me, i wouldn't even bother trying to talk to me. I don't want to talk to anyone about this, the opening of the mouth and the moving of muscles and air is too much trouble for this. Talking is for comfort, re-assurance, re-learning, and to be reminded that you are not the only one who is going through this madness. We all know this, and we keep talking like it really matters.

It is 4:14 PM now, I've gone through sixteen hours of manic depression. I am worn out. This experience was horrible, I would not like to go through it again, but I know it'll happen again very soon, I'm already missing the pain. The depression has settled back to it's normal state, a subtle melonaic that peaks through every now and then to let me know it's still there. I know I'm getting out of this manic state because I want something sweet, and it sounds appealing to me, and my eyes don't feel so suken in and my vision isn't as dim and dull. 

I did not expect it to end so soon. I really did believe I was going to lose everyone that I care for because of something I might said or done, and no one would want to even acknowledge my existence, and I would die on my birthday from suicide like I had planned when I was thirteen or from "natural causes".

I should probably mention that I was holding my knife really tightly today, and I was really enjoying the thought of it going through me.

These last few weeks, food has not been digesting well in my stomach, it is as if I have taken a laxative. 

Amazing what depression can do to a person.