Making Faces At The Security Camera (Day #03)

It's 10:01AM Chicago time. I got a Starbucks Vanilla Frappinco. I ate some bunny snacks. A triangle of a sandwich and grape tomatos. I'm pretty content. I think I might even not smoke. I can't wait to see Iowa.

I am currently in the farmlands of Iowa. It is most depressing. Fields of wheat that stretches for endless miles. A house every couple thosand acres. This place makes me want to kill things.

I don't remember what happened when I was raped. I did a long time ago. Now I barely remember. I just remember that it was a guy in a silver highlander car. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't cry about it. It was just something that happened and now it's over. No big deal. Why can't I remember?

I swallowed my pride. I stopped thinking and forced myself to stand. If I started thinking now, I'll never do it. I stood and asked the lady on my right if I could borrow her phone for two minutes. I called Lionel to tell him that the train is late by a couple hours and he shouldn't leave his house until I called him but I hit his voice mail.

2:13PM Iowa. I smoked. I smoked fast and alone. Nervous. It wasn't even good. It was so bad I think I won't ever smoke again.

Four more hours to go.

When I smoke, my sweat always smells like carrots. I hardly ever eat carrots.

Two and a half hours from Chicago, I'm getting dehydrated. I have a sip of Starbucks left and I'm going to wait until the last minute to have it. Even my lips are drying up. I hope Lionel got the message.

One hour and fifteen minutes left.

I have no idea what we're going to do when we meet up.

I watched the city of Chicago draw closer and closer. My heart pounded so fast and hard I was afraid people could see it pulsing in my veins. Everyone got up and stuffed themselves outside. Me and three other guys waited. I guess we were the ones in school that always waited for everyone to leave so we don't get trampled over.

I got off. The smells of everything that makes up a train filled the air like some perfume isle. The walk was long, I thought I would never get to the lobby. I pulled the suitcase over my head from behind and put the weight of it on my shoulders, I'll never make it or walk fast enough carrying it on the side. I walked fast and I didn't stop. Lionel had been waiting an hour before I called him and told him I'll be there in 30 minutes. My legs burned. I made it. What hell did I just enter? People moving around quickly in all directions. Cart pushers, suitcase rollers and indoor vehicles threaten to run me over. I walked. I stopped and stood staring into the glass lobby. My arms are numb, I don't know how much longer I can hold this suitcase. Lionel wasn't there. I walked to the gift shop and dropped the suitcase. Jesus. I caught my breath and found the directory. I dragged my suitcase over and stared at it. There was a large hall place. I think Lionel might be there. There were so many damn lobbies I felt stupid for saying "I'll meet in the lobby". I turned to go in that direction and Lionel came walking. No one walked more than six feet near him, they somehow steered off without even knowing it. Was it weird that he was the most lucid thing in the entire place? Everything else is a blurr, even the people walking by. He wore a black leather trench coat with silver buttons that came down to mid-thigh, but he pulled it off very well since he was very tall. His black hair was tied back. Conversations went smoothly and it was fun. It was like talking to my sister.

At Lionel's I met his father, his mother and their dog. I stole some cearal and milk in a cup and ate it while I made a one-story castle out of Lionel's water bottles. I hope Lionel's room doesn't kick me out tonight.

Lionel didn't want to sleep on the same bed as me. He has a phobia of people strangling him in his sleep. I didn't help by telling him that I had only done that once. Why I wanted him in the same bed was because I needed him there to wake me just in case I project. Any struggle, shake, grunt, repetitive noises are in need of a good shaking.