Numb

"Ten days and the baby died in her stomach, bullshit."

I am at a noodle house resturant some time passed 11PM. I've ordered some grilled chicken and rice and a glass of soybean milk. Now I am jabbing at the fat of what is called chicken with dull black chopsticks, trying to get myself to finish this so I don't insult the Rice Gods. If she had said that one more time I was going to vomit.

"The baby died in her stomach and she's fine, bullshit... Ten days and the baby died in her stomach, bullshit..."

I screamed loudly in my head, my stomach dropped a million miles, my cervix tightened and shifted causing the copper wire to scrape and I know I'll be seeing a discharge of blood within the next few minutes, I made a noise that sounded like a muted scream crossed with a growl.

I stared over across the restaurant to that woman whom is repeating herself to the cell phone in her sunshade visor and sunglasses on top of her head at near midnight. I pleaded her in my mind to hurry up and finish the conversation. I pleaded her to not say that line again...

"Ten days and the baby died in her stomach, bullshit!"

I tried to force myself to finish at least all the rice. I ended up staring at the plate and the lady for about what felt like ten minutes and realized I'm not going to be able to finish this. I left.

The man that I've come to this place with muttered something. My dad used to say, "you're speaking in your mouth" whenever I would talk like this.

"What?" I said, wanting to know what he had said.

He repeated himself in a jaded manner and pointed at the clock in the car. 11:50PM. "It's almost midnight".

I wanted to smash the car clock. I wanted to smash it and run away screaming, crying and yelling loudly at everything that moves. Damn you people. Damn your clocks. Damn it all. All of you! Trying to get somewhere in time. Trying to do something in time. Trying to make yourselves worth something. Trying to save time. Trying to work for money so you would have more time to spend later. What about now? What if I got hit by a car tomorrow and died? Did you spend enough time with me or were you planning to spend time with me later when you've sorted everything out? Damn your future thoughts. Let's all join fucking hands and think ahead, forget about your friends now, think about what friends you can make in the future, let's think about the good time you can have in the future with your future friends and let's take the friends that want to spend time with you right now for granted.

I swallowed my urges. I swallowed my wants. I swallowed my feelings.


Then I am numb.