Poison

Crawling and gnawing, this, poison I've been consuming. Poison to lessen, poison to numb me from feeling. Tonight, it's just not doing it's job.

I've been lying in the dark with a fan blowing at my face in intervals. I suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable lying here like this. Insomnia kicked me in the face. Hard.

I got up and called you. You answered stupidly, it wasn't even cute, it was infuriating. I feel like I have a table, no, a knife, something heavy, dry and sharp, pinned into me from all directions, like a pin-cushion! And there you are, doing the exact opposite of what I've wished you would do. Couldn't you just be fucking happy that I wanted to see your face?

I understand it's two in the morning and you've just woken up. I understand that you are tired, but you've been tired since the day I've met you.

Here I stand, in pitch darkness. I miss you, you know? I feels like centuries since I've last saw you. I thought you were going to call my name. I thought you were going to help me find my way over to you in the dark. Silence. Utter silence... Except for the heater that never makes the house warm.

Depression. Internal acid.

Hide my gifts to you on the shelf, because they're not really gifts, they're money back to you isn't it? I owe you for living with you a couple years, right? Payback. That's why you have to force yourself to look grateful for a moment, or maybe you're just pretending to like it so I can maybe one day get you something you'll actually like.

Here I sit, ruining my posture in a horrid slouch. Here I am, waiting for you to notice that I am on the verge of snapping into blind rage. Making myself an obvious target, hoping that you will see that I want you to help pull me out of this mess.

I've tried, dammit. I fucking tried. But you're still ashamed of being with me. Still hiding me. Still flinching away when you think people are looking. Keeping your distance from me in public because you think pretending to not know who I am will fool people into thinking I didn't come here with you.

Fuck your crave for wisdom. Fuck your ego. Hi, I read things on 4chan and other websites people don't know about and the people on there are anonymous and a lot of what they say on there sound legit so what they're saying must be true. Oh, they have papers that say they can do this, so they must be better than everyone else that don't have papers that say "I did this for this long therefore I know what I am doing". Oh, they have a big name, they are without a thought smarter and cool. Oh, that guy is crazy, that means he's smart. Fuck. Fuck your search for wisdom. We are all disgusting pieces of moving flesh that collects information. No one is smarter than anyone else. We collect information, try to make sense of it and combine it with other information we've collected in the past to make "new information". I don't think it's new, I don't think it's old either, I think it has always been there, and we've just been reminded of it, a reminder that either sticks to a longer temporary state or gets discarded to be forgotten until it is reminded again. Then again, who cares what I think. I don't have a fucking piece of paper or a big name to show that I am smart.

Gee, I'm sorry I don't have red hair and super pale skin. I'm sorry I'm not a walking sex object to show off. I'm sorry you can't impress your friends with me. I'm sorry I'm not impressed when you tell me how pale you are and how dark I am compared to you. I'm sorry I can't move objects without touching them. I'm sorry I'm not impressed with your hands that are afraid of a little scratch. I'm sorry I don't tell you, you look good. I'm sorry I don't have resourceful friends that can be useful. I'm sorry I can't stop you from being obsessed with time and money. I'm sorry I fling myself into a pit of bitterness and hatred after I set myself up for a domino effect of disappointments. I'm sorry that after all this time you still don't know how to help me. I'm sorry I don't know everything. But I try to do my best, and I'm sorry I am not good enough.

Fuck. Fuck. Poisoned.