A Fish in An Ocean of Gasoline

I did a horrible job at the interview for The Gates. My day started out great! I was really excited and then mid-day came everything flipped upside-down. It was hot, everything was frustrating, I was so tired, I have had nothing to eat and I was dehydrated. I was unable to focus, my speech was not comprehendable, slurred and mumbled. I am not good at keeping eye contact and Sage hated that. She hated that I didn't come dressed as a dominant as she had asked me to (she didn't say anything about me not being dressed properly, she was being nice, but I knew she didn't like it). I had my dominate clothing in my bag and I would have changed if she had asked me to. My mind set was not straight, it was not set for an interview to become a  dominatrix. I could feel my life quickly spiral downwards. I had also sat too far away from her, my words came out mumbled, and I had avoided eye contact. I tried. I tried very hard to keep myself from not looking worse than the ten seconds already have made me. I did not have anything interesting to say to her questions, I had no interesting questions to ask her. I was unprepared and I did not sell myself well, I wouldn't even hire me.

I had my life set on this. I was so sure! This entire year I was so sure! I had even spent over three-hundred dollars to prepare myself to work at The Gates! I feel lost... I am a failure at everything. I can't even get a job at a fast food restaurant. I don't know what to do. I've been lucky enough to be able to live under the other people's houses because they are generous enough to let me survive. I have been doing this since I was sixteen. I don't get along well with my mother and I would rather sleep in the bushes again than face her.

I am not making enough to get the RV I've been saving up for. I have no business plan, no website, no steady income, no social skills, just this shell that I have been molding since the day I had looked in the mirror and cried at how ugly I was.

Now I am left to four decisions; join the porno industry (spend the rest of my life vomiting at my own reflection, possible drug overdose), join the Marines, marry some rich guy (and spend the rest of my life crying, possibly attempt suicide) or depart from the city and live alone in the wilderness... Possibly lose my mind living alone in the mountains and possibly get eaten by something better than me.

I don't know.... I don't know what is left. I don't know what to do.